On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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