Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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