take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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