My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
