She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
