It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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