Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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