I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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