Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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