I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
