Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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