I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize