Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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