Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
