How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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