I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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