Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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