You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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