Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
