Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
