having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
