doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
