well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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