Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
