You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize