yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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