Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
