How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
