i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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