her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just found puke in my bra..
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
