the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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