don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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