he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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