I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just pee around me
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
