after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
