I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
