Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
