You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
