I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
