don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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