I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
