when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just gift wrapped bread.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
