it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
