Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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