your room smells of hookers.
And success
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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