I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
