If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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