im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
