when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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