whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
