you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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