My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am midnight drunk by noon
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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