Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
