you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
