I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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