All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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