Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
my liver is dry heaving
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
