he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
