Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
