I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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