Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have feelings that need drinking.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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