It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
